Holding on

It’s been a rough last few weeks. And when I say rough, I mean really rough. I did my best to smile, to put my best foot forward, and to go on with life as much as possible “as usual”. But my kids tend to see through me far too easily. CC wrote this for me today. Things have slowly been getting better; anyone who knows me knows I don’t stay down for long and I fight hard to never go back into the pit of giving up. But what she wrote expresses so well, I couldn’t have said it better myself.


Sometimes all you want to do is run. Run and run and keep running. You already feel like you are; running, running, running, you cant stop, you can barely breathe. Your heart is screaming so loud and yet you are swallowed up in an impenetrable silence. You can’t let go and you can’t hold on. Tossing and turning, shaking your head as hard as you can, hoping that that will make the monstrous thoughts inside your head disappear. You clench your fists and try to hold back the tears that are burning your eyes with frustration and doubt, so much doubt; so much fear.

Just let them flow, don’t be afraid of those tears. Let them heal you. Just close your eyes and know that He is there. Beside you, like a waterfall of cool, clean water. Let His peace rush over you, unlike anything you’ve ever felt before.

When you are just lying there; inside your head and heart a war of confusion and pain is waging. But you are too weak to scream. His hand is there for you. You hold onto His hand and don’t let go. He’ll get you through it.

And just keep telling yourself, “it’s going to pass. Its going to all be a memory soon.” And memories can’t hurt you. Once its over, its over. And even if one day it comes back to haunt you, that will pass too. If you can hold onto Him, He will get you through it. And then it will be over and you can have peace. You just got to hold on for one more second, one more minute, one more day. You can do it, He will help you. He has promised to, and He never, ever breaks his promises.

So when you feel like a black sea is trying to swallow you, and you are just too weak to fight. You are too tired to move and your heart is too broken to beat. Just reach out and call His name.

Every time I do, He comes, He calms me; he tells me that everything is going to be OK. And most of the time, I do not believe Him, I don’t see how things could be OK. But every time, every time, they are. Everything is OK in the end. He keeps His promises. You just have to believe, because if you don’t believe, what do you have left to hold on to?